"What makes my heart hurt? ...Listening to others say they are okay, ignoring and neglecting what their heart is asking for and terrified of leaving the comfort of the discomfort they are surviving in... Making excuses as to why they should remain unhappy, unappreciated and imprisoned by choice, in a life, with a partner who no longer fulfills nor desires to listen to the needs of their heart.
So I need to say this out loud—
I’ve been there, in that place, defending why I’m staying in an environment or with a person who has become a stranger to my soul..." Unknown
A little over two years ago I walked away from a destructive relationship. I had over stayed for almost that exact amount of time. Why do we do that to ourselves? I use to think it was because no wants to be alone but that's not true. We all love our "me time" in fact not having that time alone can do more harm than good. Yet there is a difference between "alone" and "lonely". No one likes lonely yet you stay too long in a stagnant atmosphere you feel more lonely, even setting next to them than if you actually were alone... it's like you are drowning and no one can see. We fear the unknown so we stay in the uncomfortable comfort and watch our lives become more and more unsettling in our "comfortable" existence.
Leaving was hard for me because while I don't need a man to make my life complete, I wanted a man to share this journey we call life. Face it having someone to share the adventures in life even if they don't share your love and passion for them, adds a layer to the trip. Yet if they are just there for the ride and aren't part of the passion and adventure it's soul draining.
I knew it was going be sad and lonely, no someone to hug the pieces back together but I pack up and walked away. I spent hours, days trying to find the clue to what went wrong. Shed many of tears and cussed ALOT! I even dipped my toe in the online dating world, although it taught a few small but very valuable lessons, that wasn't helping the bigger picture. So I began just working on me... the hard work; the looking at yourself, in honest light and building on self-love and positive reinforcement. Taking the needed time to clean my souls' closet and mend my broken heart. In the midst of all that, I did a lot of retracing of the way things went down, I relived moments (the amazing, the good, the not so good & the horrible), I pondered the whys & how’s and the final scene. This lesson was devastatingly hard and as a sister of the craft, I know better but I let my guard down, emerged in the grief of my mother's death I missed ALL the warning signs! I stood on shaky ground and this one was so subtle that I found myself mesmerized by this shape-shifter's charm; it slipped over me & caught me in a captivating shining net. Again as a sister in the craft, I knew that my greenman was out there looking for me. I even convinced myself that this rogue could fill those shoes even if he didn't believe in the craft or me. My intuition and that Warrior Goddess knew better I was just too lost to hear them above the hurricane I was caught in. And my heart paid the price.
As I pack up the memories I decided to hold on to & took out the trash I begin to feel my burden lighten but I also was still hurting & angry (more at myself than the other). Then the lightbulb came on & I began to find ways of making peace with the outcome. It was then that I realized that vibrant, audacious, wise, sensual, warrior goddess was starting to make her presence known. How did I let her slip away after I had worked so hard to bring her to the surface?? How?? Then it hit me, I once again let someone charming convince me that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't sexy enough, I wasn't a woman of substance because I didn't fit their mold. I did that and I must own it. And when I let that happen I lost "the warrior goddess"... She retreated back in the catacombs of my soul. And there she waited. And as the distance between what was, what it became, where I stood & where I was heading became more defined; as brilliant color began to brighten my path once again; as peace, love, great friendships, laughter & fun became a way of my life once again she began to surface once again.
Taking that time to solely work on myself & healing as a whole. Eating healthier, working out, finding my center, finding deeper connection to my spiritual journey, realigning with The Universe, letting go & leaning in to where it led me, reconnecting to my passions of music & writing, cooking, etc. and all those shining facets of me that had hidden themselves to survive those years. My self-confidence & audaciousness blossomed. I look back now & I barely recognize that "broken girl" but she is a part of why & where I stand today. All that energy work paid off. Now my soul's closet is once again organized. Boxes put away, trash gone, door to the chapter closed... I once again am basking in the magic sparkle & bright colors of life completely. I am fully embracing my true self. Not hiding her from those who don't like the different or the fear of being alone. I have found peace in what was & I am eagerly open to the next chapter.
I even stumbled across my greenman in a perchance reconnect. He truly IS the one my mother foresaw, so long ago. The Universe had plan and knew just when to set it into play. He gets me! I mean he sees the witchy warrior goddess & embraces her, doesn't want to hide her or change her. He wants her to shine and when I falter or forget to let her then he reminds me to do so. We mirror each other in so many ways yet have enough differences to keep it interesting. It excites me and terrifies me all at once and that is how I know I should pursue every aspect of this adventurous chapter. Could I fall flat on my face again? Damn right I could but I am willing to take the chance. I have to remember to lean in and let it all unfold with the Universe guiding. Letting myself be seen and the warrior goddess shine as the pieces continue to fall in place.
Remember my dumplings, we all lose our way from time to time but if we hold on to our true selves then not only will we find a way to blaze our path, we will be blessed with someone to share it with... Let your Warrior Goddess/ God Shine!
