Remembering Momma

This month I was going to write about relationships (all of them) and the work we put into them; what we take away from them whether they soar or crash, and how all of them enrich our lives on some level. However,  this week and especially this morning I find myself,  little emotional as I am flooded with emotions and memories of my mother. She left this plain in the predawn hours of this day seven years ago. With her, she took a piece of my heart and life as I knew it, changed. So to day I will write and remember Momma and the indelible mark our relationship made:

GRACE sums up our mother in a word but she was so much more. She made our days special and even when the winds of challenge and change blew her off course she would withstand the storms and found a way to smile. She faced her dragons without showing her fear or hesitation… most of them she tamed; they lay at her feet, their gifts surrounding her… The Dragon she was unable to tame she still stood tall before it even to the end.  Her facets were many... I am sure everyone has a favorite... I loved them all. She was a daughter, a child bride, a young mother, a flower-child, a college student, a chef, a seamstress, an activist, a college graduate, an adventurist to name a few. She was “Momma” to me; “Mom” to Kris; “Doodle” and wife to Will; “Grandma Esther” to her Melody, Michael & J and to her great grand children…  She was friend to many. She had the strength of a warrior, the wisdom of a sage, the passion of an artist… a heart as big as Texas. She was the matriarch of our family… the Queen of her court and we all loved her very much.

When I drifted into her life, Momma was a barely 16 year old beauty, with a smile that could light up the sky. That beauty would follow her all of her days. I fell in love with her the first time our eyes met. Our love affair as mother and daughter began on that summer day… ever steady, ever evolving, ever amazing, ALWAYS full of love… and even though she has set sailed on a voyage where I can’t go, it continues still. I always wanted to be her when I “grew up”. We shared the common ground of many things... our eclectic spiritual path, our love of music, nature & cooking; our enchantment of the Southwest and much more. She was my biggest fan, my shoulder to cry on, and my light at the end of the darkest tunnel. She was always there. She taught us and molded us… yet she would say she just gave us the genes that we took the ball and ran with it…But she had a great hand in how we rolled that ball. Our mother-daughter bond ran deep, not just my mother she was my friend; seldom was a cross word even spoken, we grew and learned together. I will miss our Sunday night phone dates; our weekend slumber parties when she would come to stay, laying awake at night talking till one or the other of us fell asleep, her soothing voice, her enchanting laughter... but more than that I will miss her arms wrapped around me telling me how much she loved me and that everything will be ok.... for at this time I sometimes wonder if it will be. There is a void in our lives where she should be but her legacy of love lives on … around us, through us, for she is ever a part of us. She is etched in our hearts and is a big part of the light that shines in each of our souls.

I am not the first to make this journey… Each of us will come to this  place with time. For those who have traveled before me, I often wonder how you made it through. Momma taught me that to love and be loved is our greatest gift. Since we are not guaranteed the length of time we are given with each other, remember to hold each other close, make every moment count, love with all your heart and never not tell those you love how much they mean to you for time is fleeting and all too soon when they will have crossed to a place where you can’t see or hold them… they will walk the halls of your heart only.

There are no words to truly convey the depth of my love for my mother, I could write volumes on the subject and still it would not be enough but I will end with a poem I wrote for her. She told me it made her feel she had done her job well and asked me to read it at her memorial she had planned so carefully. Now I share it here, today as I remember her love and grace:

Today and Everyday I AM....

My Mother’s Reflection

I am a reflection of my mother

She resonates in her family

I see her in the twinkle of her granddaughter’s eye

I see her in the tenderness of her grandsons

I see her in the strength of my sister

I see her in the adoration of her husband

I hear her in the giggle of her great-grand daughters

I see her shimmer in each one of her family & friends

She reflects in all of us who love her

For with her warmth, her charm, her love, her grace

She put an indelible mark on our souls… footprints in hearts

And for this we will never be the same.

I see her in the bluebonnets that burst forth like song

Announcing the coming of a Texas spring

I hear her voice on the breeze of a clear summer night

I see her in the perfect sunset on a Texas sky

I see her in the hawk that soars overhead

I see her in the butterfly that lights on my shoulder

I hear her in the wise owl’s call; the coyote’s howl

She was my first true love, my first sweet kiss

She was the daring in my first step

She was the courage on my first day of school

She was the pride in my first straight A report card

She was the excitement of my first day of High School

She was the tears in my first real heartbreak

She was the mischief of my first rebel act

She was the thrill in my first solo flight

She was the joy in the birth of my own amazing daughter

She was the strength in my first dance with darkness

She kissed away my tears and healed my boo-boo’s

Both physically and emotionally

She sewed lace on my dresses and ribbons of love in my heart

She showed when you think you can’t take one more step… you can

And that it’s not about waiting for the storm to pass but about dancing in the rain

She put the sunshine in everyday including the stormy ones

She taught me that there is MORE than what your eyes can see if you are willing to “look” with your heart and soul

She taught me it’s not what you have in your hand but what you hold within your depth

She gave me my inherent love for cooking

She instilled in me adoration, wonder and respect of all that nature holds for we are all connected

She taught me that there are no mistakes, only lessons to be learned

She gave to me enchantment and delight so that my inner child could always play

She shows me everyday in every way that true love has no conditions

She is my first BEST Friend

She is my BEST cheerleader, teacher, counsel

She is the song in my soul, the rhythm in my heart

She is the laughter in my smile, the tears in my night

She is the moon’s glow that comforts me, the sunshine that warms me

She is the light that shines within me, even in the darkest moments

YES, I AM a reflection of my mother

I hope I SHINE Her Well.

PS Call your mom... Do it for her, do it for you... do it for all of us that would if they only could ❤️